Well it happened. I had my first Corona meltdown. I say first because I am giving myself permission to have another one if I so feel like it.
I could tell it was coming. My whole week had been off. I found myself not wanting to do the things I normally did. I was content to sit around watching Steve Wilkos and Jerry Springer. I actually scheduled my day around those two television shows. The things on my "to do" list were not getting done either. I had a few bright moments where I actually produced, but mostly I sat. I found myself cursing the television, Facebook and even myself. Yep, I cuss. I used to cuss like a sailor, but I have gotten so much better. But this week any little aggravation found me stringing together a few choice words that I think even a sailor would be impressed with.
I found I could not be on social media as much as I normally would be because my timeline and inbox were filled with gloom and doom. Political foolishness, sadness, deaths. So many deaths. People I knew and some I just knew of. If it was a Facebook friend whether I knew them personally or not...I took it personally. I found myself hating government officials in high places. What the hell were they thinking? Who were they thinking about? Why didn't they care about the suffering? Why was only helping big businesses and making money important?
The frustration was mounting. I hate feeling helpless. I'm the strong one. I am used to handling things. I think the day I went down to my car and it wouldn't start was the beginning of the downward spiral. My battery was dead. This is the second time this has happened since all this Covid-19 stuff has started. Yes, normally this would have aggravated me, but it was adding to a mounting list of minor aggravations. I had nowhere to go, so it wasn't that important, but I put it on the "list". That list that had all of my feeling's of helplessness on it. When is outdoors opening????
I hate the Corona Virus. I know personal friends who are suffering from it. One of which the doctors had given her up for dead. She is still fighting. Thank you for your prayers. There were two people on Facebook that I have been following their journey. Praying for them. Rooting for their recovery. Daily watching my timeline for news about them. Well Friday I found out that one did not make up. It was like a punch to my stomach. I kept reading the post over and over.
The Corona virus had struck again. That was the final straw. All my energy, all my drive, all my motivation just left me. I didn't have the desire to do anything. I didn't care about accomplishing anything. I kept reading the post. Then as I went down my timeline there were more deaths. I realized that for every day of the last month there had been deaths on my timeline. It had almost become routine. Was I becoming desensitized to this madness? I want it OVER!!!
Friday night I made popcorn. I drank wine. I fell asleep with the lights on. I woke up hot and cranky. I had forgotten to adjust the thermostat.
Saturday I made the decision to take care of me. My mind was on overload. My heart empty. I decided that I was not doing anything work related. Actually I decided I was not going to do ANYTHING! I needed to take care of me. My emotions. My heart. Corona had broken me and I needed to fight back. Often strong people don't realize that they are on the brink, because they are so busy being strong for others.
I decided not to call anyone, but to talk to everyone who called me. I didn't open the curtain to allow the sun in. That usually peps me up and gets me ready to go, and is the first thing I do in the morning. But I didn't want to be pepped up. I didn't want to go. I needed to sit still and work through this. I put on some music.
I'm Blessed - Charlie Wilson/featuring T.I.
Awesome - Charles Jenkins & the Fellowship Choir
Jesus Will Work it Out - Dr. Charles G. Hayes & the Warriors - featuring Diane Williams
Goin up Yonder - Tremaine Hawkins
God is in Control - Ricky Dillard
Total Praise - Richard Smallwood
I sang along with each song. Loud and off-key. I can't sing. But I did. I sang, I journaled. I prayed and I cried. People think that tears are a sign of weakness. They are actually cleansing. It helps to relieve pain. Research has found that in addition to being self-soothing, shedding emotional tears releases oxytocin and endorphins. These chemicals make people feel good and may also ease both physical and emotional pain. In this way,crying can help reduce pain and promote a sense of well-being. (www.medicalnewstoday.com) I felt so much better after my little crying session.
For the rest of the day I watched Hallmark movies from the comfort of my bed. I snacked and just let myself feel the emotions that had taken control. We have to own our feelings. Work through them. There is nothing wrong with feeling sad, feeling helpless. You feel how you feel. You have to honor those feelings. You have to say, I'm not okay. I'm angry. I'm frustrated. I'm sad. Whatever you are feeling, don't hold it in and pretend it's not there.
As the day and evening wore on, I felt myself coming back. I started to do some work, then forced myself to stop. I needed to continue my healing process.
As I put the finishing touches to this writing, this morning, I feel so much better. The curtains are open and the sun is shining brightly. My music is playing loudly. But most of all, I feel good. I feel like me. I feel like doing things again. Corona is still doing its thing, Greedy politicians are still making dumb decisions, people are still dying from this virus, the world is still shut down, but I feel better able to cope with it all.
Don't fight the feelings you have. This is a crazy time. A scary time. The whole world has shut down and we don't know when it will open again, We don't know who to trust. We can't believe half of what we hear in the media. But one thing we can do. Honor our feelings. Do what you need to do for YOU! If that means you cry, then cry. If you want to do nothing. Then do nothing. If you need to talk it through, then find someone to talk to. Don't feel like you have to work through it; like you have to ignore your feelings. You don't. If these feelings are new to you, it's okay. All of this is new. Do what you need to do for you! Take care of yourself. This too shall pass.